Thoughts in self isolation

I’ve started getting up later n later, a gradual move away from my regular routine, a visible sign of how long it’s been since I started work at 8am, after my hour long commute on the tube. Days are beginning to merge into one another, sometimes they pass hour by hour and other-times I don’t think I got out of bed before falling back asleep again, the day ending before it even started. I dunno if to be happy that I don’t have to work bc I don’t even really like my job that much, and I still don’t know if im gonna get paid. I keep hearing something about 80% of wages but I don’t have the brain process to work that out and argue with my boss about it. I go between my bed and my desk, alternating between abilities to do anything. I’ve got through jane the virgin and killing eve, and now I’m on to once upon a time, n it seems that my brain can only cope with input that is completely unrelated to my current life and fantastical: a telenovela, a psychopath and magical fantasy. I’m too scared to read now bc it feels too real, like I can no longer read anything non-fiction world bc it feels like some kind of sick joke. And the books that are so similar to our everyday life and the plainness of existing fill me with dread. I just wanna exist in a semi – limbo state where I do my day to day activities but my mind is in a comple­tely fictional world of fairies, dwarves n evil queens.

It kind of feels like the summer holidays wen I was a kid, I don’t have any siblings so I entertained myself a lot with tv and making stuff. I guess ive fallen back into that old routine, not that I need to be productive bc I have a degree show to prepare for or I’m gonna pretend I’m on some kind of residency, but its an escape for me. I can lose myself in something else. It was even sunny over the weekend n I sat outside in my garden drinking cups of tea and staring into the nothingness, sometimes taking photos of the flowers because I wasn’t sure what else to do, watching my cat step outside for the first time in forever before running back inside when hearing the dog next door. I queued up for Sainsbury’s the other day. I don’t really have anything else to say about that other than it was a weird experience. And I hate having to be so far away from other people. I need a lot of physical touch n hugs and that’s hard enough on the daily anyway before we’re all avoiding each other in the streets like were in year 3 and I have lurgies.

I’ve stopped watching the news bc my heart would beat too fast when I did and I would get freaked out about the realness of it like I was in an episode of black mirror. Everything gets heavy n sticky and damp but I wanna be light so I can float away from it, obsessively watching tik toks instead. I feel like we’ve all kind of forgotten what this was even about in the first place. Like bc im not going outside much or being around other people, I’m not really focussing on all the hand washing routines etc. they’ve kinda faded into the background bc we’ve been doing that for a month now, so its become kinda normal? So I’m just focussing on the fact I can’t see my friends or go to work and thinking about all the mental health and economic effects of this but not really the physical effects which is what this was about in the first place. I think that’s just weird for me. Like its become really removed from the virus itself. N because no one tells us anything I don’t even really know what it’s like in hospitals. I’m sure its absolutely crazy. I saw a tweet the other day from a nurse about how the outside is so opposite to inside hospitals now, like surgeries are being cancelled n have we run out of ventilators yet? My dad says oxford uni scientists had made a make shift one.

It’s been over two weeks n my dad is still ill, and he is fit for someone his age and usually gets over the flu in two days, but he’s still ill with this, whether its corona or not. But it just makes me think how awful it must be for anyone his age or older who is less fit than he is, which tbh is most people, because my dad cycles to and from work everyday from Lewisham to Richmond. I’m just thinking that if he is still ill then how do others possibly survive this? And I remember they don’t and I’m thinking about my gran who can’t leave the house because of her mental and physical health and she always gets an online food shop but obviously you can’t order anything online anymore, but isn’t it nice that Sainsbury’s is letting her phone up and order over the phone. An exception for her bc of her circumstances.

It also feels awful that it took a world catastrophe to force me to stop ‘doing’ and I now don’t know how I ever worked a 9 hour shift, when to the gym, made dinner, tried to make art and watched tv, all in one day. I don’t think I will ever have enough hours in the day or energy to do that again. I’m not even sure if I’d be able to work a full time job. But also, isn’t it awful that this is the case for most of us, we are so obsessed with doing so much and achieving so much that to stop and to have the chance / forced to for our own sanity do yoga and read and be creative to outlet our emotions. It would be nice if we could live in a world where we were always focussed on doing things for our beings, and now that feeling balanced and okay is so much more important than producing things and money for capitalism. And if we could always value care and NHS workers, as well as those who work in supermarkets or in delivery. 

I don’t even know if I’m really being creative bc I can only write about what’s going on and my experiences rn bc that’s all I’m thinking about – in a bubble of my own thoughts after spending so much time by myself thinking about things. I wanted to make a zine for people to express their thoughts about mental health n stuff and it just feels cruel rejecting people’s work bc I can’t include everything. But some of it just doesn’t fit but I don’t even feel like I know how to let them down. I don’t wanna add any more negativity to anyone’s life right now. And then I’m doing all this work with my counsellor but it feels kind of arbitrary because I can’t imagine a life after this. What will ‘normal’ even be? And how can I be working on my emotional regulation skills when it doesn’t even really feel like I have any emotions to regulate.

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